Christ Breaks Leg?
by Erik Klackner

I don’t remember this being in the Bible.

The Son of God himself, disguised as 49ers 1st round draft choice Vernon Davis, will miss the next 4 weeks with a broken leg. The injury occurred on the biggest play of the 49ers/Eagles game on Sunday, when Christ Davis was attempting to run down Eagles DT Mike Patterson, a known sinner, following his fumble recovery at the 2 yard line. But a funny thing happened on the way to Patterson’s forgiveness…

Jesus pulled up gimpy.

How can the Lamb of God, Savior of all mankind (and the 49ers in particular) fail to save a soul in need? I asked Rabbi Aaron Berkowitz of Temple Beth El in Portland, OR for his opinion on the matter.

“We don’t view Christ as the Messiah or Son of God. We are still awaiting the arrival of the Messiah at a later date.”

Could he be referring to Calvin Johnson, Georgia Tech’s All-American WR? Portland does not even have an NFL franchise. What could this mean? I tried my luck at St. Jude’s Episcopal Church down the road, speaking to Father Gary Religious.

“I think the overriding message in what you say is that he tried. Christ was unable to heal ALL the afflicted during his life. He was unable to convert ALL the citizens of Jerusalem to the wonders of his faith. But he tried as best he could to show everyone the way.”

There you have it. Davis made a noble attempt to bring Mike Patterson to the light, and by light I mean turf prior to his scoring the TD. Unfortunately, the circumstances prevented him from achieving Patterson’s salvation.

I was also troubled by Christ’s inability to catch the ball on the seam route for the 2nd week in a row. Is it possible that Vernon H. Christ is unable to use both hands because he is having to perform miracles in the middle of the game?

“I suppose that’s conceivable,” said Father Religious. “The work of a Savior never really ends, even if it’s game time. If you watch the replay, you’ll see that Davis is clearly concerned for the soul of Brian Dawkins and did everything in his power to heal him in mid-air. Unfortunately, he was the target of the pass from QB Alex Smith. No one ever said perfect timing went with being perfect.”

So, what does the future hold for God’s Only Begotten?

“I will continue to study and go on the field with the rest of the team and pick their brains a little,” said Davis. And perhaps in his free time, he can continue to spread his message all around the league:

I may be down right now, but I’m gonna fucking save your ass at the end no matter what you try. So enjoy your 4 week vacation, because when I get back, the repenting begins.